tantfunderingar.se

Tankar och funderingar i vardagen

Dags igen…

Jaha… så var det det då dags igen…. för vilken gång i ordningen? Jag vet inte…? 4:e? 5:e? Den här gången var han bara trött och ville vara ifred i men kulle ju flytta ihop… Ha! Ja, egentligen hade jag väl det här på känn, men ville liksom inte ta det till mig. Tänk att det ska vara så himla omöjligt? Jag blir lite arg på mig själv faktiskt. Jag kan ju inte skylla det på någon annan, eller på honom… Jag råder över mig själv, och jag har känt ett tag att det faktiskt inte fungerar. Det blir på hans villkor och jag känner mig inte ”fri” med honom. Nej, det funkar inte. Jag känner mig inte riktigt hemma där, om jag inte gör det som han vill osv… Det går ju inte. Och till slut frågade jag mig vad vi egentligen har gemensamt? Vad är som binder oss samman? Ja? Svårt att finna ett bra svar på. Jag vet inte? Vi gillar att promenera, men faktum är att vi gör inte det heller tillsammans, utan det blir liksom ändå att han bestämmer hur och vart…. Och så skrattar vi inte åt nåt. Har verkligen inte samma musiksmak, i köket är det hans revir, jag kan få göra salladen… Jag fick ingen nyckel, fick verkligen inte köra bilen… Han pratar sitt språk med sina vänner fast jag är där… Ja, du hör ju själv… Inte mycket som är bra. Jag önskar nu bara att jag gillar mitt singelliv och vill inte träffa ngn ny! Nej, nej, nej! Om jag bara kunde lära mig att gilla mitt eget sällskap lite bättre, och göra saker som jag gillar ändå! Gå på konsert! Det var jättelänge sen! Och mycket, mycket annat som jag inte haft tid med på länge nu… Jag önskar honom lycka till, och jag är faktiskt lite orolig för hans hälsa. jag tror verkligen att han mår ganska dåligt. Och så är han jätterädd för att visa sig svag, både för mig och alla andra… Men jag kan inte hjälpa honom med det. Eftersom han inte kan öppna sig till mig och dela med sig och be om hjälp eller visa att han mår dåligt och är nere, så kan jag inte hjälpa honom. Jag vill leva nu….! Jag struntar i männen, men jag vill lära mig gilla mig själv i stället!

Gymmet ikväll! 😀

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