Måndag… Ok, så vad ska jag hitta på idag då? Gymmet. Jo, det gör jag men inget annat inplanerat. Jag har varit med och gått långa promenader och tagit mig ut i naturen. Jättehärligt! Men morgon är en ny dag och vad tusan ska jag göra med alla lediga dagar? Vissa dagar är det ganska jobbigt faktiskt… Mycket tv och Netflix blir det… 🙁 Jag borde ju ta vara på min lediga tid nu, men jag har svårt att njuta ensam… Det blir mycket funderingar. Kring mig själv och hur jag lever mitt liv. Hur jag levt. Och hur jag ska leva… Jag inser mycket om hur jag är, och har varit. Jag skulle gärna förändra mycket hos mig själv. Jag skulle vilja bli mer ödmjuk och vänlig. Kan man ”bli det”? Med hjälp kanske? Jag har ju gått ”i samtal” i omgångar i mitt liv och nu känner jag att det är dags igen! Någon sa till mig att det kanske är värt en slant och att jag sen kanske kan få många år i riktig lycka och kärlek i stället. Åhhhh, det vill jag! Men det jag undrar är om det faktiskt är riktigt möjligt, att en annan människa, utbildad eller inte, kan hjälpa mig till att bli en bättre människa? Är det faktiskt möjligt? Jag vet inte…. Trots flera omgångar i samtalsterapi, så visst, jag har blivit ”bättre” och jag känner att jag förändrats, men jag kommer liksom inte fullt fram. Inte helt. Fy tusan så jobbigt livet är ibland! Så himla mycket man ska klara av, orka med, stå ut med, vända ut och in på sig själv… Allt är jättebra, sen händer något i kroppen, man bara tappar all kontroll, och så säger man något ”surt”, något som man inte skulle sagt när man har kontrollen… Ja, sen är det sagt, och då är det kört! kan inte tas tillbaka… Ja… och så är man där igen. Har sabbat stunden och ramlat ner i hålet igen… Fan vad jobbigt det är! Och även om jag sen tar mig upp ur hålet, för det göra jag ju varje gång, men när jag sen kommer upp, ja, då väntar konsekvenserna… Någon jag har sårat eller gjort mig ovän med. Någon eller några som tycker att jag inte är kul att umgås med, går inte att ha i rum med andra, kan inte lita på att jag kan ”uppföra” mig rumsrent… Suck! Ja…. då är det himla svårt igen. Orkar inte…. Så, ja, jag behöver någon att prata med. Någon som kan hjälpa mig komma underfund med varför jag gör så och sen kan hjälpa mig att förändra det också…! Går det? Finns den möjligheten? Jag vet inte? Jag kan inte riktigt tro på det, men jag är beredd att göra ett försök till nu. Det är värt ett försök!
Ha en fin måndag!
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