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Ja jisses… jag gick några år i förtida pension, men det känns som att jag aldrig haft så mycket att göra varenda dag 😀 Haha… inte klokt ju! Det gamla jobbet blev tråkigt så jag sa upp mig till slut, tänkte att om jag får det långtråkigt så kan jag säkert hitta ett extra jobb med någon dags jobb i veckan. Och drn blev det så att jag inte hann vara ledig mer än någon månad förrän det dök upp ett sånt extrajobb! Så snabbt att jag knappt hann tänka! Och det känns jättebra och kul! Bara det att nu har det växt och blivit flera dagar i veckan och dessutom ska jag få renoverat i min lägenhet och kan inte bo där under tiden! Så nu är det väldigt mycket runt omkring och det känns lite jobbigt! Pust! Men som skönt är så har jag vänner omkring mig . 😀 Särskilt en väninna! K, Utan henne hade väl inget hänt… hon har verkligen funnits där i hela renoveringen och dessutom en kär vän att prata med i andra lägen! Ja, de nära vännerna får man verkligen vara rädd om!

Ja, sen fortsätter utredningen om ADHD, suck, vilken tid det tar… många olika läkare som ska lämna sina bedömningar… men det är ju igång iaf. Man får svara på en massa frågor, bli intervjuad av olika personer, men det är väl bra kan jag tänka… Förhoppningsvis går det ju framåt iaf. men min psykolog är ganska övertygad, plus att jag liksom står ”på två ben”… och det andra benet är min osäkra självkänsla som kommer från och pga uppfostran och situationer i barndomen. Tänk ändå så svårt det är att lära om… Men jag vet ju att det går, fast i olika situationer tvivlar jag… I min ålder? Går det verkligen att ”göra om mig”? J du… det blir spännande att se…

Och nu har jag ju, som sagt, träffad en ny man. Hur skal det gå nu då? Kanske jag kommer märka på mig själv att jag har förändrats? Att jag kan ta olika situationer som uppstår lite lugnare? Kan jag? Åhhhh…. jag vill ju det! Jag vill ju ha ett fungerande förhållande med en man som jag kommer bra överens med, som jag kan ha kul med och som känns jämlik och jag inte behöver bli någon annan än mig själv. Där jag kan känna mig stark i förhållandet och växa som människa, inte bli mindre… Kan det verkligen bli så? Jag tvivlar… men känner ändå en lite gnutta hopp och förväntan. Jag vill så gärna ”höra hop” med någon… Det är ju en underbar känsla! Tänk att kunna göra långa promenader tillsammans med den man älskar, gå på konserter, fika ihop, älska, kramas, prata om världsliga saker eller bara lite strunt… Haha… futtiga småsaker är jätteviktigt! Jag vill!

OK… Nu ska jag jobba mot detta målet och försöka ta hand om mig själv. Och även bry mig och ta väl hand om mina nära och kära förstås. Men jag måste själv må bra först, för att kunna bry mig om andra… Så är det nog… Kanske därför jag ofta känt att jag är ”en sämre människa”? För jag har ofta tänkt på att ”alla andra” bryr sig och hjälper andra, men det gör liksom inte jag… Inte lika mycket i alla fall… Men jag tror att jag tänker att min hjälp är inget värd. Eftersom min person inte är så mycket värd, så är ju inte någon hjälp från mig heller värd något. Så förklarar psykologen det, och det ligger väl något i det…

Hoppas och ser framåt nu! 😀

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