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Visserligen var jag på en utflykt – till Helsingfors. Vi hade ett par härliga dagar med mycket samtal och fina stunder ( och kärlek förstås!). Men det jag ville säga här är att jag har gjort lite upptäckter med mg själv. Lite utflykter inuti mig själv. Faktiskt. Det var länge sen sist, och jättebra att det händer!

En utflykt var om mina känslor för min väninna Alo. Hon fick läkarbesked om att hon bar på Cancern. Jag blev jätteledsen och kände att det hände massa saker inuti mig. Och jag liksom bad om att hon skulle bli fri från det och det inte skulle vara så farligt… Jag faktiskt liksom bad. Och igår berättade hon att läkarna nu sagt att det nog faktiskt inte var så allvarligt som de först befarat, och jag blev så himla glad och lättad. Och när jag sa till henne, att ”mina böner hjälpte” och skrattade, då svarade hon mig: ”Men då tror du ju ändå på något!” …  Suck…! Va?!  Jag? Näääää  jag tror ju inte på gud eller nåt! Det säger jag ju jämt! Jag tror inte på nån gud och jag tror inte på nåt! Hon bara skrattade och tittade på mig och liksom sa inget. Det behövdes inte. Jag satt där som ett fån och insåg att…. Ja? Vad vad min insikt? Hur kunde jag förklara bort att jag bett? Till vem, eller till vad, bad jag? Jag vet att jag verkligen kände att jag ville att hon skulle vara fri från den sjukdomen. Det var både för hennes, men också egoistiskt för mig själv. För jag tycker ju om henne och är jätteglad och tacksam för vår vänskap! Jag svarade henne sen att Ja, ok, jag måste ju tro på nåt då… Men jag tror inte på nån gud och jag tror inte på någon ”högre makt”. Nej, sa hon, men du tror uppenbart på ”nåt”, och folk kallar det där ”nåt” för olika saker… Suck! säger jag…  Vad svarar jag på sånt? Jag har ju inget svar! Det här måste fortsättas att fundera över! Har jag blivit ”blödig” på äldre dar? Eller vad handlar det här om? Al brukar ju säga att han inte tror på ngn gud, men att han tror ”på nåt”….! Jaha? ok, så det kanske är det jag också gör då…?

Spännande! Jag måste fortsätta fundera! 🙂

Föregående

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